I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
