I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
