Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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