Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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