so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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