dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
