Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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