RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
