when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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