Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I supernannyed him into submission
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
