it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
