Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
