just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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