i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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