my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
