no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
