Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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