It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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