You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
