can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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