It's like a parade of train wrecks.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
