What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize