Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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