Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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