mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
