can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
