I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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