she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
