Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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