There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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