is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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