I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Couch. On fire.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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