if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
