omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
