This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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