but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize