What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
drinking out of a sandbucket again
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
