He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
we're making bets on your personal life
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
