Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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