3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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