Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
