At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
