I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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