i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
