K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
