Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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