I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
