you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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