dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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