the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
