someone owes me an orgasm
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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