He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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