Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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