i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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