Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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