yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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