i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
