Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
