How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
