that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Randomize
