I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
