Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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