1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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