i jhust puked up my retainher.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
